It’s half term so this morning I set out at 8am for what should have been a longish run.
Things didn’t work out as planned.
It was a lovely morning, the sun was shining the birds were singing; a perfect day for some running on some of the local trails.
About 20mins in I rounded the corner and spotted an old man and his dog. The fella was standing and looking out across the fields with his beloved dog laid at his feet. A pretty normal scene. There was no hint at the horror that was about to develop.
Now, I’ve been running for a fair few years, I now exactly how to approach someone walking their dog, give them plenty of room and calmly run past. I didn’t whip out my machete and charge the old fella screaming and shouting like some crazed escaped lunatic.
So as I was about to calmly jog past the innocent looking man and his loving pet, the dog looked up, spotted me and bounded towards me. For a split second I thought it was coming to say hello, I have a dog myself, I’m always happy to bend down, say hello and give him a stroke. But as it got closer I saw the look of ruination in the eyes, the drooling lust driven mouth, the jaws of death and the dagger like teeth glistening in the sunshine.
Like a scene from Sharknado, the sound of gnashing teeth filled the air, I realised I was fighting for my very existence. The rabid monster was getting closer, it had locked on its target and nothing was going to stop it. It was coming head on at me, the Crown Jewels we’re in danger. In a desperate attempt to save my manhood, like Rudolf Nureyev performing a pirouette in The Nutcracker, I attempted to protect myself by shoving my arse in the beast’s face.
Clearly the dog saw this as an invitation he couldn’t refuse and sunk his teeth into said arse, not once, but twice.
The old fella, after regaining control of his blood thirsty beast, did actually apologise, to which I replied that his dog was a ‘f***er’ and he was a ‘dick’.
I then continued on my run, although now I had a new destination, the doctors for a tetanus shot.
Today’s picture of the day I hear you ask?
That’s easy: my arse.
[Parental Advisory: Explicit Content]